No one reads anyway

So no one bothers reading these things anyway. I wouldn't expect anyone to be interested in anything I have to say so I'll just carry on with my self-imposed therapy.


You know, I think the only people who show any interest in blogs are looking for porn. Like most things on the net, we all pretend we are using it to enhance our knowledge but the only time we learn anything is when something catches our eye and takes us away from the filth. In fact, I'd go as far as to say the advertisers have got it the wrong way round. We all know the feeling of looking for a new pair of shoes only to be bombarded with 'grow your cock in 2 nights', or 'never masturbate alone ever again'. In actual fact porn sites should be inundated with adverts for hand cream and deodorant. That way we might subliminally learn something of use which doesn't involve dirty bed sheets or the use of wet wipes. I reckon wet wipe and laundry powder manufacturers should start using this media. They'd make an absolute killing!!


Over here in the UK we are entering our third week of lockdown. People aren't even panic buying anymore because you can't get in a supermarket quick enough to panic. Most the food that was bought two weeks ago was thrown out with the rubbish this week. I often find myself reflecting on the situation, when I'm not at work of course, and wondering how much the internet porn industry has made from this situation. I mean, Debenhams is on the brink of extinction due to the crisis, but you don't hear the same concern of Debbie does Dallas do you. Perhaps that's what was on the great bog roll rush of 2020. The fear of pulling it off so often that you'll run out of bog roll must have been more of a worry than corona virus itself. Can you imagine the shame of being admitted to ITU with your underpants stuck to your belly.... Never mind the poor student doctor who has to insert a catheter into your oozing japs eye!! As a matter of fact that's probably behind the rush for PPE as well.


People talk about corona being a man made pathogen. Well what if it is. Not a powerful biological war weapon developed by North Korea, but a powerful advertising ploy invented by porn and toilet role manufacturers world wide. If you think about it, other than supermarkets they are the only people to benefit from this whole situation!! You can only watch so many repeats of friends (the worst comedy ever produced), or the Simpsons before you make your way to the bedroom for some intimate time with Jenna Jameson and your right hand.


Me, I've got myself into a bit of a routine. I finish work in the hospital and head off home. I go for a run, have something to eat then play guitar for a bit. I'm addicted to British menu and MasterChef, only my attention starts to drift from MasterChef to masturbate about half way through the programme. I then take myself upstairs, where I enter the spare room. I haven't seen my wife and son for around 3 weeks now, they are staying safe in the lake district. I remain in the spare room because the medication I take gives me night sweats and makes me snore. I wake up in the morning, the bedding is soaked and stinking like an old mans insole. So I spend most nights in the spare room.


As I'm in the spare room and my bed stinks and is soaked anyway, I figure a little bit of spunk never made a difference. I started looking at pics of my favorites; Roxanne Mckee, Laura Whitmore and several girls that I've seen in my neighbourhood and stalked on Facebook and Instagram for years. I've moved on from that though, or should I say regressed. I've gone back to my adolescence. Looking at the page 3 girls, film stars and models that I spent much of my teens wanking over. I even watched a video of Michelle Philips of mamas and papas fame, tugging away the other night.


So when this is all over, the scientists will notice two important symptoms of corona that no one has considered so far. The main symptoms to identify this horrid virus must surely be, bed covers that stick together and an empty set of testicles. Can you imagine if this wipes out the human race as we know it... the fossils the archeologists will find in 100's of 1000's of years time. Instead of fossilised dinosaur eggs it'll be the fossilised bones of something all the more sinister. Fossilised bone of a bone on laying near to the fossilised remains of spunk, ejaculated seconds before the final death 'tugs' of the horney middle aged man.


Or what if masturbation is the cure for corona and all us unwitting wankers are actually the only ones to survive the virus. Can you imagine the inoculation. Over 100 years ago, some guy discovered the cure for small pox by injecting some of the virus into people. This time we discover, instead of injecting us, it is us ejaculating that prevents the illness. At the age of 16 all males get put into a room. Sat waiting for their prescription, a months subscription to RedTube with the instruction to masturbate every night for the whole month. Girls can only be inoculated for a limited period and need to be inseminated at least once a month, to coincide with their menstrual cycle. Instead of the pharmaceutical industry, porn becomes the most powerful cure since penicillin, and university students strive to study and enter this prime industry.


Imagine studying that degree!!! University challenge.. the captain of the team representing the lady of the night college at Oxford is Mindy Muff. Mindy who is reading a masters in anal techniques of the late 20th century has the dubious record of shagging 42 Cambridge students during the opening night of the Arctic Monkeys 20th Anniversary tour. Or Mastermind....Jeremy your chosen subject is gangbangs of the royal family during the reign of Elizabeth II up until the unfortunate demise of Megan Markell following her now legendary night of passion with Prince Andrew and several of the Queens Corgis.


See what happens. I start with an attempt to tell anyone who bothers to read this crap about how difficult things are for the whole world, and it turns into stupidity. I wouldn't care but this happens when I talk as well. I can talk serious, but only for a limited time, then the shit starts again!! I'm getting a bit fed up of being stuck in the house when I'm not at work. Most of what I do outside of work is done in a group. I play golf, this is prohibited; I go to the pub, this is prohibited; I go fishing, this is prohibited; I watch sport, there is no live sport only repeats; I bet on horses, but the horse racing in England, like everything else, has been suspended at the moment. I go to work. I come home. I eat. I sleep. I go to work. I come home. I eat. I sleep. I go to work...…….


I take medication to keep me sane. I'm 100% sure if I was a kid again I'd be Aspergic.I have my routines and my rules that I live by. I can't cope if I don't have my routine. I become angry and insecure. I take sertraline because it stops the anxiety and agitation that causes trouble for me and everyone around me. But boy, is this being tested at the moment. I need to get hammered. I need to play some golf. I need my wife and son back with me.


But I need to stay alive and we all need to stay safe at the moment. Thanks to the NHS and some of the great British public, we might just get out of this alive!!